My Battle with Depression and Anxiety

Sometimes, people can look so happy on the outside but, I know from experience that every day there are people around us who are silently struggling. After Taylor was born, I developed Post Partum depression.

Here's my experience...

Two weeks after Taylor was born, we were trying to settle back into our townhome (we moved from my in-laws back to our home a week after the birth). I noticed I seemed to be losing my cool with Emery every day. One day, in particular, she was getting into boxes that she shouldn't have and I just lost it. I screamed out loud out of fatigue and desperation. I not only scared her, but I scared myself. WHO WAS I? I balled up under my bedroom window filled with guilt and cried. I was so confused as to why I was angry all the time and had zero patience. My sweet little girl crawled up next to me. I wrapped my arms around her and apologized as I held her close. I knew something was wrong but didn't understand what exactly it was.

Being busy with a newborn and trying to settle back in is a whole different level of stress so I figured I was just stressed out from everything that was happening.
At five weeks postpartum, I came in for my checkup. The nurse went through a list of questions as protocol.."baby blues? PPD?" Nope. I'm "good". Or so I thought. I'd never experienced it and really didn't know much about it. I mean, I COULDN"T possibly get depression...right?

The conversation with the nurse bugged me for a few days so I started doing my research. As I started to read through the symptoms and signs, I was in denial. Everyone experiences this at some point, right? Anger, lack of patience, guilt, anxiety, overwhelmed, emptiness, difficulty concentrating, disconnected, helpless. Then, I stopped. My heart sank as I read "thoughts of running away." I had felt so guilty and useless over the weeks that I honestly thought Adam and the girls were better off without me and that I should just run away. I didn't want to believe it.

The black hole of sorrow inside me got bigger and I was so confused. From what I researched, most women get PPD & anxiety with their first baby. I ate better, exercised more and my delivery was far less complicated compared to my first. Yet, It still plagued me.


I slept for a few months in the living room, not wanting my husband to see me cry throughout the night. I told him I was more comfortable with the baby on the couch. I felt alone and although deep down I didn't want to be alone, I pushed him away. I cried every night, sometimes not knowing why. I constantly felt a deep sadness consuming me.

My poor sweet husband. He never criticized me once. He silently picked up the chores, grocery shopped and would just ask me every day, "how can I make you happy?" Not understanding what was happening. For a guy who needs to "fix" problems, I know he struggled not being able to help me. Just seeing his wife struggle without a reason was heartbreaking and confusing.

Again, one night after a fun evening with family, I crawled into bed to nurse the baby and just cried. Adam reached out and asked what was wrong and as always I told him.. "Nothing." He had a look of disappointment and my heart broke, I didn't know what to say in the moment but realized it was time to just share what little I did know.

The next day Adam and I sat down for lunch, just the two of us. I admitted to him that I believed I had PPD. He listened so intently, holding my hand while I sobbed telling him everything I was feeling...I hope I didn't disturb all the people sitting next to us in the sandwich shop haha.

After he listened to me pour my soul out, I felt so much comfort and love. We looked at possible solutions to help me feel better and started by calling the doctor and getting their input. Adam continued on doing the house chores, grocery shopping and taking care of the girls while I tried to help myself with taking care of my health, setting daily goals, exercise, and counseling. I felt a little more light inside me that day. 


I remember listening to Elder Holland's(one of the twelve apostles of the LDS church) talks Like a Broken Vessel about depression during an LDS General Conference. After listening, I couldn't fathom what depression was like and I hoped I'd never have to (that didn't turn out so well).
 And it's hard to explain (for me anyway) if you haven't experienced it. It's very similar to the experience of Riley, from the movie Inside Out. She has all the emotions hanging out and when something went wrong, her emotion Joy left. Riley's experiences after that became joyless and Riley couldn't experience happiness to the point she felt alone, unloved and ran away.

 And Anxiety... Oh boy, the little devil. I feel like I'm drowning. Many times, I'd rush home early from running errands, run inside without saying "hi" to my neighbors, throw on netflix for my girl and run to my bed and close my eyes and try to breathe. It's debilitating. It's annoying. There are so many things I want to do but I can't. I felt simply broken and often thought of my old self like it was a distant memory. I didn't recognize the person I had turned into as a result of this mental illness. Reaching out to my husband was a good first step to healing. But, I continued to struggle.

Shortly after I came to terms with having Post Partum Depression, I tried to keep myself busy. I spent every spare moment building my photography business. It kept me busy doing something I loved and helped me get away from my reality which seemed too painful to face. At the same time, it brought on a whole other set of stresses and anxieties, ones that I could have definitely done without. Nevertheless, I moved forward with it for about six months.

Working all the time wasn't helping as I had hoped it would, and I joined a CrossFit gym. Exercise helps so I thought I'd give it a go. Things seemed to be moving forward again and I thought I was even cured after two weeks of exercise! Then, something else happened that I didn't expect.

I had been feeling a bit sick for weeks. I was working out really hard in the morning and credited that for not feeling well. On the morning of Dec 10th, I attended a photo shoot. Again, not feeling good and couldn't even eat. The shoot was three hours and I had to leave after an hour. I was nauseous and just wanted to lay down. But first, the grocery store.  I had a small worry I needed to address.

I got home and greeted Adam and the girls. Emery pulled out all the items in the grocery bag and out fell a pregnancy test. Adam freaked out and I laughed about it. Just so you know, I have PCOS and I haven't ever been able to get pregnant without the help of modern medicine so...

After a few minutes, I sat in the bathroom silent, with Adam jingling the doorknob asking for the results. I slowly opened the door and peeked my head through the crack of the door and with hesitation, nodded up and down with tears when he jokingly asked if I was pregnant. Taylor wasn't even six months and I was pregnant again. My husband laughed out of happiness and believe me, I was shocked and a little scared. News like this couldn't be contained and we told our parents that night. 
The next few days we spent planning for a summer baby. We had just bought a house and were packing up so it was a really busy time. However, this sweet moment was short-lived. A week or so before Christmas, I felt something was wrong and called my nurse during a 48 hour period and was reassured everything was fine. But it wasn't, I knew it wasn't and at 2am I drove myself to the ER. It was clear there wouldn't be a summer baby anymore. 

I later spent a week lying in bed, holding my girls close to me every chance I could. I remember holding Taylor and reading her a book for the first time since she was born! It was a wake-up call for me. I spent months consumed with avoiding my life as a way to deal with my personal challenges and ended up neglecting the ones who are most important to me.


 My girls needed me and I needed them more than ever. I couldn't do it anymore. It was time for me to give up. Time for me to surrender. It was time to just give the Lord everything I had because I couldn't do it alone. My family deserved to come first. My health deserved my attention. You can guess the mommy guilt hit me HARD. So I decided to take a step back from everything and refocus my priorities and face it.

To this day, almost 20 months after Taylor's birth, I still struggle with PPD. Some people struggle with it for years. I don't know how long I will have it and try to take it one day at a time. Somedays, and even weeks lately, I have felt really awesome, almost like I finally have conquered it. But, like a light switch, my happiness can turn off in an instant. Although everything around me is great, and I have so much to be grateful for and so much love surrounding me, I still feel a deep pit of sadness inside. Through research and the help of doctors, most of it is a chemical imbalance. I struggle mostly when my thyroid is out of balance. I'm still learning to manage it. 

It's true what they say, I would never trade my trial for someone elses. We each have our own challenges in this life. The best we can do is learn to overcome our experiences. I've tried to stop fighting it and instead, have tried to take the lessons it's teaching me. Well, I try most days. Other times I just want to lay in bed and cry because that's all my brain can handle. However, One such time has strengthened my faith in my Savior, Jesus Christ.


I woke up one morning and what seemed like an eternity, stared up at the blank white ceiling as tears rolled down my face. I was feeling emotionally and mentally exhausted from dealing with my PPD for months. As I laid there, those cliche questions ran through my head in a silent conversation with my Heavenly Father, "Why me? What did I do wrong? How could you?" As I laid there feeling broken and alone, my Savior and a scripture came to mind-

Alma 7:12 And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.

In that moment, I felt closer to my Savior than I have ever felt. I felt not even a sliver of the pain that he took upon himself so that he could help me and everyone who had lived and who will live on this earth. He is the only one who TRULY understands our pains because he has already experienced it as part of his infinite Atonement. With that compassion, he can comfort us and we are healed when we come unto him. My heart swelled with gratitude for my Savior and his sacrifice. If there is one thing for me to learn from this trial, It is compassion and learning to rely on my Savior for strength. It was a sweet reminder that I am a child of God and that he is mindful of my trials. 

Going through life's trials, we're able to better stand in the Saviors shoes and reach out to others with empathy. These experiences so beautifully connect us to people. I believe that the Lord uses us as tools to answer the prayers of others.

When we have endured the same struggles as those around us, we're able to lift them up and bring hope. There have been times someone has shared their experience with postpartum depression on social media and it has brought me comfort, knowing I am not alone, knowing someone understands the pain and difficulties that otherwise appear invisible to others and knowing that there is always hope. I've learned to be more mindful of others, more kind, and to reach out because you never know what silent trials they may be facing. 

For more resources: https://www.lds.org/ensign/2016/02/depression?lang=eng

A Mother

"Love is making space in your life for someone else..."

I remember growing up and my mom would say "I hope your kids act the same way you do." Well, in my own thoughts I hoped they would because I was awesome! Just kidding, I was a brat half the time.

 I remember looking at Emery for the first time and thought wow, this IS a miracle. One minute my doctor was chatting about his day and a game of chess and the next minute, he's holding a baby I made for ten months.  I didn't think much else at the moment because it was an emergency C-section and I had no time to think. But, after a few hours of recovery, I just wanted to hold her and find out who she was. 

I thought I had life down, but when I became a mom, I had to do soul searching 2.0 to find myself again. There was more at stake to be a better person. I had this little person following my every move and who was so easily influenced by my actions. Now, I've got another on the way! 

"Mothers literally make room in their bodies to nurture an unborn baby—and hopefully a place in their hearts as they raise them—but nurturing is not limited to bearing children. Eve was called a “mother” before she had children.4 I believe that “to mother” means “to give life.” Think of the many ways you give life. It could mean giving emotional life to the hopeless or spiritual life to the doubter."

-Neill F. Marriott

Motherhood doesn't limit itself to literally giving birth.. Neill F. Marriot said this beautifully in her recent address in the LDS General Conference. Whether we have kids already or not, we can nurture those around us. I'm grateful for not only my mom and my mother-in-law but, all the women who have nurtured and influenced me for good, even in my adult years.  

 Cheers to Motherhood! On a side note, I'll be spending it in bed with Adam and a box of tissues, cough drops and milano cookies because we're both just a hot mess. We've been so sick this last week!

Gratitude time

One time in Primary sharing time, a woman quoted her friend saying "My children always say they are grateful for our home...but then they never do their chores." How interesting is that? I cant tell you I was in the same boat in some areas in my life. If we truly are grateful for the things we say we are, then our attitude and the way we treat it should be positive and consistent. I've had to reevaluate some things in my life, but this is a great comment to keep in mind! Here's a few things that I've been very grateful for lately.

I am grateful to be a stay-at-home mom(SAHM). Sometimes, it's not that glamorous but really, I am the luckiest mom!  I can tell you the time when Emery first sat up, crawled, smiled, giggled. I have the comfort knowing she is receiving the nurture she needs. I get to spend time with her all day..and sometimes all night ;)

Because I am a SAHM I get to still pursue the things I LOVE. I am a part-time photographer and I recently joined the cosmetic company Younique. I can do online classes when I have time. I can catch up with friends and family because I dictate my schedule. I have a lot to do, but life is fairly flexible. I couldn't ask for more.

I am grateful for General conference. We just had the opportunity to hear from the Prophet and leaders of the church. I know a few of those messages were intended just for me! And there is a message for everyone. I get so excited about conference because I know for the next six months, I have specific counsel to guide me through life decisions, trials and challenges. We are so loved by a Father in Heaven!

I am grateful for the mission I was called to serve in the Philippines. I had a wonderful time seeing old faces and reuniting with my second mission president at our mission reunion. I learned so much while I was in the field and I credit my experience there to my testimony and teaching me to be a better wife and mother. While in the field, I learned the power of weekly planning and companionship inventory. To this day we still use these sessions in our little family-it's been a blessing and it's so much more fun when you're married!

I am here with Amy and Megan


I am grateful for many other things that I hope to do better with showing it. I am grateful for my body-so I can exercise more. I am grateful for my home- I can keep it more tidy. I am grateful for my ward family-I can serve them more. It seems easier to do things when you view these things from an angle of gratitude instead of necessary evils. What are you grateful for? 

Missions and General Conference are the BEST

A few weeks ago I was able to attend a missionaries homecoming talk. He gave the most excellent talk I have ever heard from an RM. He invited the spirit as he spoke about The Atonement and repentance. It was very special. In the days to follow I thought about my own sweet mission experiences. I've been home for two years now!

      With General Conference this last weekend, that meant throughout Salt Lake to Provo there are hundreds of mission reunions happening the Friday before. Its so sweet to reunite with those you've been able to serve with in the field, calling each other by first names( so weird!), reminiscing about Pday adventures, conferences, food you miss eating, the wonderful people,  and the quirks of areas shared..followed by our new endeavors like school, dating, marriage, kids....And it was a lot of fun sharing stories from the mission and catching up with people in Adam's mission and from my mission last Friday night. We try our best to attend both reunions which happen at the same time in different cities. It worked out well this last time thank goodness!

Angeles Mission Reunion April 2014 (thanks for the photo Mary!)

I never imagined I would have my own reunions to attend to each conference. A mission was never something I had planned, nor had a desire to. I remember one Sunday afternoon we were being taught "Missionary Work" in Young Womans. The teacher asked who among us wants to serve a mission. Everyone raised their hand....everyone but me. I was okay with that. A mission wasn't for a girl like me  (whatever I thought that meant back then)...or so I thought.

Last week I found an old journal from before my mission. I had recorded my journey to choosing to serve a mission. With all my fears and doubts annoyingly written over and over for months. I was like a tween, lost and confused, trying to find out who I was, who I wanted to become and how to get there with the answer staring me in the face.

But, I eventually followed the promptings of the Spirit, knowing the answer all along.  I was privileged with serving the Lord and the people of the Philippines. I did gain a strong foundation for my testimony and know that I am a child of God and that Jesus Christ is our Savior and Redeemer.  This eighteen month experience of service brought me numerous blessings while I was serving, upon my return and yet, continues to bless me everyday. It taught me to be a better disciple, a better wife and to be an example for my children to be.
The Lord is hastening his work now, and I and we are not done sharing the Gospel to both the living and the dead. To family, friends and those around us, member or not.  There is so much work to be done! Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with the task, but I try to focus on the little things I CAN do to help.

I love the Gospel and the messages that were shared with us this last General Conference. Elder Bednar's talk, President Uchtdorf's, and President Monson's were some of my favorites! It's so neat to think that the next six months we have these special messages to turn to for help and guidance. I know Heavenly Father loves us and wants us to be happy and I'll do my best to share that message with others.

I'm grateful...

     I am so grateful for the blessings we receive. I've just felt an outpouring of my Heavenly father's love and mercy lately. A few things have happened in the last couple of weeks where I have seen God's hand in our life. The first has to do with our monetary needs. I started filing our taxes for 2013 and came across a startling realization. Our company had not been withholding any federal and state taxes for 2013. So, I was expecting a little bit of a refund this year, but that's not the case. We OWE the government thousands of dollars.

We're going to be okay, thanks to Dave Ramsey we saved for an emergency, but not expecting it to be this kind of emergency. It was still a big hit to our finances and very disappointing.

But, God takes care of his children. A week later, Adam comes home to tell me about a position that opened up at work. The head of the department reached out to him personally and asked if he would apply. Today, the official offer was presented and in the end, it was about as much of an increase in pay/bonus that we would've paid before any credits are applied to our tax return.   We are so grateful!

Lately I've been in need of something for my spiritual growth. Something where I can share what I know. I was thinking primary, because that has always been my favorite callings. I think children are so fun to teach! But they had so many people called to serve in the Primary already and I'm about to have a baby so I didn't dwell on it too much. Last night I met with a member of the bishopric and sure enough, they asked me to serve in the primary! I was pretty excited. It's just what I've been praying for. Those children have a lot to teach me!

One last thing. Recently I mentioned the Life Leadership program that we stumbled into. I love the things we are learning. Last week I called Adam on his way home from class and suggested we go out for ice cream, but he had a lot of homework to do and he had to pack for his drill weekend. I kinda hinted again..ICE CREAM, I didn't want to just come out and say it because I didn't want him to feel burdened or obligated or appear needy. But, he wasn't really getting it. After getting off the phone, I kinda teared up a bit, I'm pregnant, this happens on occasion lol. 

In walks Adam 20 minutes later with a box of ice cream. He explained "I got it! You were trying to signal to me you wanted Ice cream!" He had just been listening to a marriage CD from the Life Leadership program where The founder and his wife talk about signals/communication etc. How awesome right? We have talked about these things before but, sometimes you forget. Listening to these CD's and reading daily helps us remember these vital things.  

 Now, the best way to show gratitude is to serve others :)